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Monthly Archives: May 2010

You know, I hardly ever write in this internet space. Maybe part of it is because hardly anyone reads the posts, but I think most of it is the fact that 99% of the time I don’t have much to say that I haven’t said aloud already.

But tomorrow is June 1. And while it’s not TECHNICALLY the beginning of summer, since that’s on the solstice, and it’s also not halfway through the year because that doesn’t happen until July 1, it still feels like a turning point. It really feels like summer is here. My friends are mostly back from college, we’ve finished up this area at work (so I’m kind of in limbo…), Memorial Day is over, I have actual money… and I may or may not have time. It sounds stupid, but thinking about the direction I thought my life was going at about this time last year, I notice that I was pretty close to totally wrong about everything. My life just seems like a constantly changing project, and while I like a lot of the changes, right now it’s not a good thing. Knowing how differently my reality can be from my plans makes me almost not want to make any. But at the same time, it seems damned difficult to do things without having some idea of where they’re going. It’s like I thought I’d drive to Mexico but then decided when I hit LA that I wanted to drive to Minnesota instead and I loved it; but now, I’m thinking of driving north and thinking, “But I’m probably not even going to end up anywhere near where I thought I would,” and so that’s causing me to not even put the car in gear. Ha, that’s the feeling. I feel like I’m stuck in neutral. I don’t know if it’s worth it to drive anywhere, and I’m not really sure I want to decide. I mean, when you think about the gas money and the possibility of breaking down and all that, maybe it’s not even worth it to drive at all. And maybe the place I’m thinking about going to isn’t as great as I’m hoping it will be. And I’ll drive through the roads, passing by things I could enjoy if I weren’t in a hurry to get where I’m going, but then I get there and it’s… anticlimactic. I try to get myself excited, and I do for a bit, but then I wonder if I’m excited because I’m forcing myself to be excited. Whether I really am excited or whether I’m excited because I feel like I should be excited.

Maybe I’m just full of shit. Maybe THAT’S why I don’t post here more often…