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Monthly Archives: January 2010

Sometimes things just seem so uncertain. You’re on a train, and you watch the other trains go by, and you don’t know where they’ve been or where they’re going, and you also wonder whether you should be on them. You also wonder if you’re on the wrong train, whether the other ones are going somewhere better, whether they came from somewhere better than the place you just visited and whether you should’ve gone where they came from instead. You wonder if you’re really doing enough to make sure your life is going in the right direction. Is it weird that I write so much about doubt? It’s like I only write in the blog at my strongest and my weakest. At my strongest, I believe I want to tell everyone who’s listening that I’m queen of the world and they’d better get used to the most deliciously decadent despot in history. And at my weakest, I just hope someone’s listening. Are you listening to me? I feel weak and lethargic right now. Sure I have a stuffed up head, but I think it’s more that I’m waiting the way Didi and Gogo wait. I’m waiting to get my acceptances and rejections from colleges, I’m waiting to go to college, I’m waiting for February to start on my New Year’s Resolutions. I made them already, but I haven’t started on them. I’m waiting for Godot the way everyone else is, since life is just what we do while we wait to die. You have to do something, and I’m doing it. What the something is, I’m really not sure. I know that the days keep flicking by both slowly in minutes but far too quickly in hours, in pieces of my lifetime. Is it normal to think about mortality as much as I do? I think most people have to be reminded. “His/her suicide/illness/sudden death reminded him/her of his/her own mortality.” I must have read a line like that in a dozen books, heard it in movies, whatever. It’s everywhere. I don’t think most people walk out on the street and think, that car’s accelerator and brake wires might be fucked up and I might not make it across this street alive. And you know something, usually I don’t either. Because I can’t live my life in fear. I managed to be afraid for all of one week this year. I was afraid of men for an entire week. But I realize now: life is full of trade-offs. I trade the extra security of locked doors for the joy of having my family and friends just drop in on me. I trade the fun of being single for knowing that my boyfriend is happy with me. I’ve traded away friendships for the comfort of not being so upset. Maybe some of what I trade is wrong, maybe unwise, maybe it won’t be the best in the long run. At least it’s fun to bargain…

What’ll you be doing on the last day? I don’t know, but I’m sure that getting drunk and/or having sex will be on a lot of people’s lists. Maybe mine too. Probably a lot of the same people will hug and kiss their loved ones, some people will listen to their favorite song for the last time. Do you ever think about the last meal of the guy who’s going to executed? Do you think he can really taste it? Maybe he’s managed to get lobster or something, because it’s his favorite food. Hell, maybe he’s having deep-dish pizza with roasted garlic and sun-dried tomatoes and portobello mushrooms and everything else possible. Throw in some basil and oregano and call it a last meal. All that stuff has a strong taste, but is it stronger than the taste of imminent death? And could you ever ask someone who would really know? “Hi, I’d like to know if it’s possible to enjoy a meal when you know you’re going to die today.” What would they say? Probably fuck off you insolent twerp. Well, maybe not that. But something with a similar message. Or maybe they’d just start sobbing. Maybe you should’ve just kept your curiosity to yourself. Maybe your need for knowledge is not nearly as important as compassion for a condemned prisoner. Of course, if I had my way, this would be an impossible question to answer. There are no prisoners condemned to death in my perfect world. Not even my perfect world- my ever-so-slightly improved world. The death penalty is borne of a revenge instinct, and revenge is essentially a desire to cause another pain. And why should we encourage that? There is enough pain in the world without introducing more. I believe that the goal of all people should be pain reduction. Don’t sit there with a headache when you could just take a pill and make it go away- that’s pain you don’t have to have. Don’t fear becoming a “pill popper” when all you’re taking is ibuprofen- chemical addiction isn’t possible with that stuff, and even if it were, you’d have to take the stuff consistently over a long period time to get an addiction. Once a month with your period cramps ain’t doin shit. You know what else ain’t doin shit? Congress. They fucked up healthcare. It’s really that simple. I was so hopeful (dammit, Obama, look what you did) that something would get done, that something would get somewhere. But you know what we have in Congress? People who’ve forgotten why they’re there in the first place. Yeah, the Republicans are against having it because it would look good for Obama if it worked. Now, one wonders, why would it look good for Obama if it worked? Because it would be good for the country, perhaps? Thank you, GOP. Isn’t that what I want to discourage? The desire to cause more pain. It’s preemptive revenge- it’s a lot like preemptive war, and we see how well that works. When you’re the world’s remaining superpower, there is no good reason for preemptive war. Seriously, what’s going to happen if you wait for them to attack you? Probably nothing, since they know what happened to the LAST guys who tried that. AKA Pearl Harbor. 9/11 doesn’t count because that wasn’t an attack, that was a mass-murder. Only countries can start wars. But we couldn’t treat this like a crime, because then the perpetrators would have a right to trial in the world court, and in addition, there would be absolutely no reason to go to Iraq. Oh wait, there still wasn’t any reason to go to Iraq. Baby, what are we going to do? I’m stuck on you. I think of the guys my age getting shot in Iraq- guys literally my age. 18. 18 is just so damn young, when you think about it. I mean really, I make tons of youthful mistakes just because I’m so inexperienced- and yet I often feel more weathered than other people my age. And then these kids get shot in Iraq. With no experiences. Hell, I bet some of them are even virgins. Can you imagine that? Going to Iraq and getting shot before you’ve even had the chance to hit a homer? But hell, you don’t need to go overseas to get shot. You can just go trick-or-treating in Alameda and be extremely unlucky. You can just walk around East Oakland too late at night. Hell, you can just sit down to your piano lesson when you’re seven years old and never walk out again. You know, when the Supreme Court said the ban on handguns in a public housing project was unconstitutional, I wanted to force Scalia, Kennedy, Thomas, Roberts, and Alito LIVE in a housing project for a year. Hell, they wouldn’t have to leave town. I’m sure DC has plenty of nice, dangerous projects to choose from. When are we going to realize that old white men know jack shit about the world? Seriously, we elect these numbskulls and they’re so afraid of inflation that they advocate for a spending freeze in a recession. The problem is that when no one’s spending anything, someone has to, and no one else has the power to make money. Just the government. Just like only the government can run an effective military. That sucks kids who aren’t even old enough to drink into service to get shot.

Maybe that’s enough bullshit about bullshit for now. Happy new year.