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I’ve done morally ambiguous stuff lately, and I went to band camp and made all sorts of jokes about my invisicock, and I felt pretty good because people at band camp genuinely like me. But for some reason, it felt weird. I couldn’t figure out why until Friday night, and I realized why and I didn’t want to deal with all of the jokes and fun which everyone else was having, so I sat by myself, contemplating the thought that stopped me from being surely okay with myself: would my dad still like me if he were alive?

I know it’s a fruitless thing to wonder, that I shouldn’t think about it, because I was so vastly shaped by his illness, death, and my nearly 3 years of life without him. But I still wonder if he would approve of the person I’ve become. I was a sweet little girl- sometimes really bossy, but sweet. Now I masturbate and I have a “guy card” and I’ve slept with a guy who was cheating on his girlfriend. It’s not so much that I regret doing these things, or regret being the way I am- it’s just that I don’t think I could hide my lack of innocence from him now if he were still alive. I think this would be the point at which he’d realize that I’m no longer the sweet little girl. And I don’t know how he would deal with that- I’m the last one. And I suppose it depresses me to realize that I’ll never know if he would’ve been okay with the way I’ve turned out.

I didn’t tell Eric and Jeff about this because I didn’t think they could say anything to make it better, and I didn’t want them to think about it. But I was so glad they came and talked to me anyway. I’m pretty sure most of my friends wouldn’t even have noticed that something was wrong.

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