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So I was thinking last night, about this last relationship, now that I’m over the initial shock of the end of it. I think I understand it now. Much as my girl friends all want to tell me men are assholes or whatever, I’m damn sure that wasn’t it. I think it really was me who ruined this relationship. I remember him asking, “Do you think we’re going too fast?” My answer then was no, but it worried me when he asked the first time because it basically implied that he thought we were. I didn’t really get it until after he broke up with me, why he thought that. I was too caught up in me to see what he was talking about.

We were going too fast. Straight up, that’s it. Somewhere along the line, my words about not pushing him and not trying to be high maintenance stopped having any actual meaning, because I wasn’t really thinking about it- hell, I wasn’t really thinking about him. I was trying to be the world’s most perfect girlfriend, but I was trying to be the world’s most perfect girlfriend for a representative of Generic Manhood, not the world’s most perfect girlfriend for HIM. At the same time as I was making that transition, he stopped REALLY talking to me. I remember him remarking once on the fact that I did most of the talking in our conversations. That was back when it was still okay, when we weren’t in trouble yet really. Now that I look at those conversations, I notice the same thing he did: mostly me, a little of him. But at the same time, reading those conversations from the first month, when it was really good, there’s something different about them. We’re telling each other anything, not afraid of what the other one thinks, not afraid that the other isn’t listening. We haven’t had a conversation like that in ages, a perfect as you like it solid conversation. Somewhere along the line, I guess I stopped listening to him the way I had before. I started waiting for him to say something so that I could start a monologue off of what he said, to fill up space, instead of REALLY having a conversation.

He was right; we went too fast. Instead of thinking of him as a friend, I treated him more like “my boyfriend”, and I stopped really thinking of him as a person in relation to me outside that role. We got too physical, and to be honest, I started not thinking of him any other way. It must have been so burdensome for him. So degrading to be treated like that. In retrospect, I can’t believe I did that to him. He’s such a sweet, funny guy; it’s not like I don’t enjoy his conversation, his brain, his hopes and dreams; I just forgot about them in pursuit of his other charms.

I sure hope the next relationship he’s in is better than this one. And I hope the same for myself. I think there’s a snowballs chance in hell that we’ll get back together after all that I did to drive him off, so I’m not going to bother to hope. But whatever relationship I pursue next, I’m not making the same mistakes. I’m not going to throw all the responsibility on someone else, because it’s not fair to them. Maybe I got a D+ in this relationship (I don’t fail only because I made him fudge), but at least I learned something. I’m willing to bet that these lessons aren’t relevant in my next relationship because that’s how it goes, but I’m a better person anyway. In my opinion. I suppose you might think otherwise.

Thank you, subject of this post. And thank you, anyone who read this. It has been an education.

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2 Comments

  1. I didn’t really know too much about this relationship beyond bare facts, but I certainly see what you mean. I know what it’s like, the moment you stop having those totally free conversations, where it feels like the sky’s the limit. I know that feeling, I’ve experienced it before. I can even say that, to a degree, I did to one of my previous relationships what you think you have done to yours. I certainly came to think of us as two people able to have more physical expression of our affection, rather than two people who were able to like and love each other more deeply and in a different way that most other relationships.
    I know what you mean, and I too regret my actions back in freshman year. I can only say that I’m sorry this turned out this way, and that I hope you find someone just as good as Jordan in the future, and knowing what you know now, you’ll know how best to approach it. =]

  2. It gets better, it gets worse, it gets more of everything as you evolve as a woman. We are wired so differntly, women from men..I am still learning, and just when I think I have the sexes wired something changes in me, or in him, or in us and I am back on my knees wondering what hit me. I’ve had my heart broken more times than I’d care to count, but I’d never stop loving. It’s one hell of a ride, and it’s great copy.

    Hugs!


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